This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The LORD is our God. -Zachariah 13:9
In my church, we sing a hymn called Glory and Praise to Our God, which says:
In His wisdom He strengthens us,
Like gold that's tested in fire.
Though the power of sin prevails,
Our God is there to save.
That sounds nice, doesn't it? God gives us strength, helps us, saves us, makes us better people like gold burnished in fire. Purifying, sanctifying.
What this song fails to capture is that being the gold sucks. No one mentions that for the gold, this whole purifying fire thing is probably torturous and painful and seems to be going on for far too long. I imagine it's hard to endure.
Some things in my life are hard to endure. My health is not good, I'm very stressed and sad. My body physically aches and burns, and the weight of the sadness is overwhelming. I'm doing what I can to help myself out, but it's a dark period for me. That's okay. All the saints had dark periods. So did most of the heroes of the Old Testament. I've gone through them before. It doesn't make it even one bit easier or less terrible, but I know I can do it again. I just wish I didn't have to.
But we play with the cards we're dealt, and when we're lucky God helps us handle the cards we get.
I told my husband that I feel God is emptying me, and it's excruciating. Huge pieces of my identity are getting ripped out. My view of myself as a teacher, as a good student, as a singer, as a wife and mother, as a world traveler are being challenged. I'm left, bereft of plans and not knowing when or how or how much or where to do anything. Clearly my plan wasn't God's plan. There's been a lot of sadness in my life, and I'm struggling to accept it with grace and strength. Sometimes I do well and others not so much. I was complaining to hubby that I want to tell God I'M EMPTY NOW, I GET THE POINT, YOU'VE STRIPPED ME OF EVERYTHING, NOW FILL ME. I'm ready. I don't want to be a modern-day Job; I'm ready for Him to come into my life and bring His peace and order again. Come, Lord Jesus.
I know You are burnishing me in the fire so I can come out purified and changed. But it really hurts. Could we hurry the process up a little, please?
